Sorting through my Bible collection
Biblical scholar's date for rapture: May 21, 2011

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

My travels on the World Wide Web sometimes bring me in contact with some crazy stuff.  Oh, I know we've all seen some crazy things out there: someone forwards a photo or e-mail, and you think, "Wow, that is some weird, wild stuff!  Who would wear that? Who would say that?"  But I have to tell you, when you are interested in subjects of a religious and theological nature, as I am, you discover the cream of the weird stuff crop.

The most recent example is a site I came across a couple days ago, as a result my interest in the 400th Anniversary of the King James Bible.  The site is called Jesus-is-Lord.com, and the top of the page is the usual evangelical fervor: Jesus is the Way, a few Bible quotes, no big whoop.  Then, as I scroll down, I get the first hint of excitement--an all-caps warning:ALERT! THE BEAST IS COMING! Okay...a little unsettling, but I've seen the same thing many times before.  But it gets more bizarre as I continue.  In a large font (not all caps at least), the author begins with, "Dear Reader, I do not check emails."  Really?  I checked.  No indication anywhere of who this person is, or any way to contact him or her (I can only assume it's a guy, because women aren't usually this crazy.)   So I scroll down some more, and I can't help but notice the increasing usage of capital letters and exclamation points:

PRAISE HIM ALL YE SAINTS! PRAISE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, the number of exclamation points one uses is directly proportional to one's religious fervor.

Then I really started getting to the heart of the matter: read the King James Bible, beware other perversions of Scripture, watch out for Roman Catholics, don't watch TV, etc.  Then there's a pretty nice rant about the dangers of education.  No textbook but the King James Bible!!! (I probably should have used more exclamation points, but I'm paraphrasing.)  And the amazing thing, at this point, is that I have been scrolling for ages, and I'm not even halfway down the page!  I mean, this thing just goes on and on and on...

This person just doesn't miss a thing.  We get rants about the Roman Church (over and over), sodomites, the ACLU, and the evils of technology.  We learn that the author recommends that every True Christian move to the woods, to get as far away from civilization as possible.  Then I get a little comic relief: in the middle of the LONG RANT (uh oh, I'm starting to use caps!), the author apologizes for the times when he/she "knowingly did not use proper English grammar."  No explanation of why one would "knowingly" choose to ignore grammar, but who's paying attention by this time?  Judging by the position on my scroll bar, I'm only halfway through this thing!

Now I reach the real meat of the home page.  (Remember, this is only the home page: I haven't followed a link yet!)  The author manages to get digs in at whatever was forgotten above: evolution, abortion, more Catholic bashing, This is followed by a host of links, organized into categories: the Basics, the Bible, Testimonies and Commentaries (what has the whole page been?), Evolution: the Big Hoax, and (how charming!) The Believer's Corner.  Wow, I'm almost to the bottom of the page! And look, "The Children's Corner."  I shudder to think...

We wind up with one more good dig at Roman Catholicism (rife with terms like "popery" and "antichrist") and a section entitled "Wicca Witchcraft, the New Age, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other Paganistic Mumbo-Jumbo."  Sweet! a course in Comparative Religion!  And then, FINALLY, I'm at the bottom, where the print is a little smaller, and I see that the site has received well over 4 million hits since 1996 A.D.  (Gotta love that "A.D." just in case you're in a country that doesn't follow a Gregorian calendar.) 

I know I've used a lot of space here to describe what is really just the deranged meanderings of a troubled mind.  But this type of thing fascinates (and horrifies) me.  The thought that someone spent hours and hours working on this page (and the many pages it links to)...for what, exactly?  To share the gospel?  To save lost souls?  Or to exorcise the demons that torment him or her?  My little "review" here has taken about twenty minutes to type; the person that designed this site must have worked for years to add this link and that paragraph.  I wonder, if the author ever comes out of that retreat in the middle of the woods, to get supplies or whatnot, what is he or she like to talk to?  (Let's just call the author "he," for the sake of convenience.)  Does he walk into a store, buy some flour and some milk, and make small talk?  Or is every visit to town enlivened by some street corner preaching?  I guess I'll never know, unless the author of the site reads this blog.  God forbid!

Posted via email from CORYBANTER II: babble and banter, bypassing banality

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